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Aging Broncos Quarteback Now Forced To Take Field With Assistance Dog

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VATICAN ENQUIRER –  Noting that he is no longer capable of safely maneuvering across the field on his own, the Denver Broncos announced Tuesday that quarterback Peyton Manning will now be accompanied in all games by a specially trained assistance dog.

“Given Peyton’s age and physical limitations, he needs Scout to help him navigate the pocket and find his way to and from the huddle,” said head coach Gary Kubiak, adding that the 2-year-old Labrador retriever—who the veteran quarterback will have on a leash at all times when stepping into the backfield—can recognize all of Manning’s voice commands and hand signals at the line of scrimmage and will then carefully guide him through a play accordingly.

“Scout will make sure Peyton can move around slowly and securely without falling down or running into one of his offensive linemen, and he’s trained to bark if there’s a defender blitzing Peyton’s blind side.

Not only is he a guide and helper, but he’s also a companion, and they’ve already become great friends.”

Kubiak added that he has already had to tell younger Broncos players that they are prohibited from petting Scout during games in order to avoid distracting the canine and risking Manning being seriously injured.

Source: Theonion.com

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People

Daughter finds out her uncle is her dad’s brother

STOMPED TOMATO – A growing trend in the online world are stories of family dynamics changing drastically with uncovered family relationships, such as the daughter who found that her uncle is really her father’s brother.

What will this do to the family dynamic? Reddit

Another commented that he was in a similar situation, but different, not too long along when he found that his aunt is really his mother’s sister.

“The entire family freaked out,” writes M.

Fortunately, there are a few things that could be done to preserve your family’s chemistry and dynamic.

Family dynamics can really be screwed. Take the case of a B and his wife’s family situation. B writes, “Her mom and aunt both married brothers. So my wife’s uncle (now deceased) was actually her uncle twice over. He was her uncle because her mom’s sister married him, and he was her uncle because her dad was his brother. For that matter, her aunt is also her aunt twice over.”

R writes, “I know exactly how the feeling. I just found out that my brother is my baby’s uncle, and my brother’s children are my child’s cousins. Obviously, this is a confusing time for everyone and we are navigating it as best as we can.”

A has an equally challenging situation, she writes: I just found out that my mom is actually the one who gave birth to me, and that my grandmother is actually my mom’s mom and I’m so confused and worried like what this will do I don’t know if I can see them in the same way now…”

This is very serious. This kind of experience can cause long lasting trauma.

One recommendation is to log off the internet, obviously, these people have way too much time on their hands. For those who can’t log off, you can help improve your family dynamic by going on Amazon and order lots of self-help books.

Luckily there are many treatments for this ailment being experimented with.

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People

Trump Says He Doesn’t Need Bolton’s Book Read To Him

Donald J. Trump has “no intention whatsoever” of having John Bolton’s book read aloud to him, Trump confirmed on Monday.

Speaking to reporters at the White House, Trump said that his daughter, Ivanka Trump, had obtained a draft manuscript of the Bolton book and had offered to read it aloud to him “like she does with all of the other books,” Trump said, according to The New Yorker.

“She reads the books to me slowly and stops when there’s a long word to tell me what it means,” Trump said. “But I told her that the Bolton book was the last book in the world that I wanted to hear.”

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Latin America

El Chapo Didn’t Want Witnesses At His Trial

The convicted drug lord known as El Chapo said on Thursday that he was “outraged” his 2019 trial had included witnesses. He also revealed that he was demanding a new trial without them.

Speaking from ADX Florence, a maximum-security facility in Colorado, the former drug kingpin complained that his trial would have resulted in a speedy acquittal had it not been for the irritating presence of witnesses, reports The New Yorker.

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