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Billionaire Donald Trump To Travel to Costa Rica To Negotiate Purchase Of The Country

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VATICAN ENQUIRER – Following his sale of the Miss Universe pageant, billionaire Donald Trump, one of the richest men in the world, said he would be interested in investing in Costa Rica, but not as investor, rather as buyer.

In recent statements Trump said he is interested in increasing his real estate portfolio and what better to buy up an entire island like Costa Rica. “It would be nice to own a tropical country,” said the magnate.

Asked why Costa Rica and not the more developed Panama, Trump simply said, “Costa Rica is better buy, cheaper and I probably can get it a good discount.”

“The island (Costa Rica) would be my property and anyone who wants to live there would have to pay me,” said Trump in explaining his investment strategy.

One of the first things Trump would do, he said, is rename the capital city to “Trump City” and turn into one big hotel and casino. He said would also change the country’s flag, making similar to the U.S., which would probably go unnoticed since the Costa Rican flag is already red, white and blue. “All that is missing is a star here and there,” said Trump.

Asked about how he would go about buying such a peace of real estate, Trumps said he’s already sent out feelers and has received back a number of emails showing there is a great interest to sell, but would not disclose his sources or discuss a price.

“No comments, I can only say that I have in past bought more expensive properties,” explained Trump.

As to who could and could not visit the island, that is if he were to actually end up buying it, Trump said that to enter the country everyone would need a visa and one person who will “never” get a visa is Barack Obama.

According to Trump, Mexicans – all Mexicans – would be welcome.

A source close to the Vatican Enquirer, Trump is said to have the financing in place, “the money is already in the bank and he is ready to write the check”, said the source, adding that Trump has an eye to closing the deal before the start of the dry or heavy tourism season (December) to cash in on the all the Americans getting away for the holidays.

Opponents to Trump buying up Costa Rica fear that the real estate tycoon would buy the country and then divided into small parts and sell them off or turn around and flip, possibly to someone bent on being a dictator or the narcos (drug traffickers). Or even the Chinese.

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Stomped Tomato is a curious satirical newspaper offering breaking news, political satire, comedy, investigative journalism, opinion and celebrity news. Tomate pisoteado.

Business

Cracker Jack Changes Name To More Politically Correct Caucasian Jack

When ballparks finally open again, those standing for the traditional seventh-inning stretch will be singing some different lyrics to “Take Me Out to the Ballgame.”

After over 100 years of selling its caramel popcorn snack under the name Cracker Jack, Frito-Lay announced today that it would be rebranded as the less offensive “Caucasian Jack.”

“We are very sorry to all the crack—er, I mean, Caucasians we have hurt over the years,” said a spokesperson. “Cracker is an offensive stereotype, and we must make sure that all foods and snack products are culturally sensitive. Think about all the white people who have had to suffer in silence as tens of thousands of baseball fans sang out the hurtful lyrics ‘Buy me some peanuts and Cracker Jacks.'”

“No more. The bigotry stops today.”

The move was applauded by hurt white people, though they are still criticizing Frito-Lay for how pale and pasty-white the Cracker Jack guy is on the logo.

Source: The Babylon Bee

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Business

Walmart Now Requires All Shoppers To Wear Pants

(BabylonBee) U.S.—In a move that’s being called “unprecedented tyranny,” Walmart is now requiring all shoppers to wear pants in their stores.

Americans everywhere slammed Walmart for the move, saying it amounted to an infringement on our constitutional rights.

“I thought this was America,” said one man as a greeter asked him to please put on some sweatpants or something before coming into the store. “It is my constitutional right to go into Walmart and shop for random stuff at 3 a.m. wearing nothing but some boxers and a giant Tweety Bird T-shirt I got in the ’80s.”

“Look, we don’t think this is too much to ask,” said a Walmart spokesperson. “Just throw on some sweats, pajama bottoms, whatever. This is for the health and mental safety of our employees. And for the love of God, take a shower once in a while, you know?”

Shirts will remain optional.

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Subpoenaed Trump Organization Financial Documents Reveal Company’s Only Holding Is Single Dairy Queen In New Jersey

NEW YORK—Saying they are beginning to perceive the full scope of the secretive business dealings, investigators working for special counsel Robert Mueller announced Friday that subpoenaed Trump Organization financial records show the company’s only discrete holding is a Dairy Queen franchise in West Milford, NJ.

“We are currently engaged in a thorough analysis of financial statements, relinquished in response to the subpoena, encompassing the entire Trump Organization’s business empire, namely the Dairy Queen just down Marshall Hill Road from the paintball supply shop,” said agent Maria Russo, explaining that the last 30 years of President Trump’s business career appear to have been spent running the franchise, and that all his investments, accrued debt, and total net worth are tied up in the ownership of the suburban ice cream stand.

“As we understand it so far, the day-to-day work of all 20,000 Trump employees worldwide, including the thousands working at the company’s rented headquarters in Trump Tower, is singularly devoted to the management and promotion of this Dairy Queen franchise.

We are also in possession of tax records indicating Trump did briefly own a minor share of a Pizza Hut on Long Island, but it apparently went bankrupt in 1997.”

Russo also said that the investigation had not yet turned up definitive links to Russian money, but noted the job description for the Dairy Queen night manager included “at least three ‘ruble runs’ a week” to the currency exchange at the Newark Airport.

Source: The Onion

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