https://www.thebeaverton.com/2020/08/old-man-excited-to-walk-around-changeroom-naked-again/

OSHAWA, ON – With gyms around the province reopening, local senior citizen Waylan Marshall is relieved to no longer have to resort to walking around the house naked.

(The Beaverton) Anywhere but TORONTO – After the Toronto Blue Jays have been barred from playing in their home city and rejected by Pittsburgh, the desperate team has stated they are willing to change their name to something offensive in order to get more interest in US cities.

“We understand that in order to be a professional sports team based in the U.S., it is helpful to have a racist name,” said general manager Ross Atkins. “While we’re not thrilled about it, we are willing to play ball in order to play ball.”

Given the current state of the US, and it’s history of culturally insensitive team names, Atkins and the team believe the club’s best option is to change their name to something that will require being changed in a few short months.

“It’ll be hard, but I am sure we can find some culture that major league sports have not yet insulted,” said Vladimir Guerrero Jr. “Jewish people, mexican people, maybe get real creative and take down Pacific Islanders.”

“It doesn’t even have to be an ethnic group! The Toronto Pizza-gaters, the Toronto 9/11 Truthers, the Toronto MAGAnificents…we are willing to have any offensive name with any offensive mascot so we can get back to what’s really important: branding deals. USA!”

The team is also delighted to hear that since Edmonton’s CFL team has agreed to change names, their previous moniker is now available. “I am sure Americans will get a kick out of offending a whole new culture they only sometimes take pot-shots at,” said Blue Jay short-stop Bo Bichette.

“We’re really open to calling our team anything at this point,” said Atkins. “We carry with us the proud spirit of our fellow Canadians in that we are adaptable and able to ignore very obvious and pervasive cultural ignorance.”

With time running out to find a new home, The Blue Jays will democratically be polling communities in America to find out which group they would like to see belittled the most.

OTTAWA — Jean Chretien actually giggled when he showed his personal baggie of pot to reporters today as he called for the immediate end of arrests for possession of marijuana.

“Hahaha. Yes, yes. For 50 years, I had céréales Cheerios every morning but you know dat gets boring,” said a grinning Chretien, Prime Minister of Canada from 1993 to 2003.

“But de Prime Minister Trudeau has used dis marijuana and told me dat I have to, you know, move with de times so now I just mush dis marijuana up with a banane…banana…and den watch some TV.”

“It doesn’t matter what I watch…any show makes me laugh after breakfast now.”

“You know, I got dis…dis pot — as young people call it — at a marijuana store,” said Chretien as he fished in his suit pants pocket and brought out a small baggie of what looked to reporters like marijuana.

“I had no doctor’s prescription or nutting like dat. I just told dis young guy behind the counter dat I tink I have some digestive gas some times you know and dat some nights dat maybe keeps me awake.”

“I left dat store with marijuana and taut I might get arrested…you know, I was a bit hoping I would get arrested. Da headlines would have made people tink about dis — Creaky 83-Year-Old Jean Chretien Has Gas and Faces de Jail Time for Illegal Pot,” laughed Chretien.

Chretien made the admission that he eats a fair bit of pot following recent requests from police chiefs across the country urging the Liberal government to give them direction on whether to continue arresting people for “having a joint in their jeans.”

A CBC report aired earlier this week showed wide differences in how police forces are dealing with the coming legalization of marijuana. According to the report, Canadians caught with marijuana are up to 10 times more likely to be arrested in Calgary or Regina than they are in Toronto or Vancouver.

Calgary Police Chief Roger Chaffin has repeatedly stated that he strongly opposes “the stupid legalization of Mary Jane” and has instructed his officers to “haul in anyone who even smells of pot”.

“Dis is stupid det anybody is getting arrested when marijuana will be as legal as biere in a year.”

“As long as I don’t drive after my morning banane…banana…what is de harm? I get a bit you know silly and den maybe eat some salty snacks and dat is dat.”

“Nobody should be arrested just because dey buy pot for dis digestive gas. Hahaha.”

Original article by Sue Dunum, reportering for The Lapine