Costa Rica’s President to Sport Hipster Toupée

solis-hairVATICAN ENQUIRER, San Jose, Costa Rica – Luis Guillermo Solís will be sporting a sleek new wig to disguise his bald head and avoid being characterized at the United Nations as “el pelon,” the President announced Monday.

Solís, held his press conference at downtown fresa-hipster bar Steinforth, to a backdrop of electronic music, a smoke machine and a psychedelic light show. He emerged from the smoke wearing skinny jeans, a v-neck shirt that said “Got President?”, and a head full of fake, cool-looking young person hair.

“Qué me dicen maeeess?” He yelled as he took the stage and spread his arms wide. “Notice anything new?” He asked. He then paused and said “Ya soy el Presidente, caripichhhhas!!”

Solís, who relied on young voters to propel his meteoric rise to the presidency, promising supporters he was going to be “El Presidente Más Chiva” in the history of the country, decided it was time to live up to the promise. He also said that, with his new hair, he will now be the coolest-looking Latin American President.

“This is definitely a cooler look than Peña Nieto’s greasy mobster hair,” he said. “The only regional President with more hair now is Evo Morales, and I think he is actually just an Andean sheepdog.”

The hair will better represent Costa Rica as an exciting young nation full of vitality and attractive people, he said. Presidents that have a full-head of hair attract an average of 30% more foreign direct investment during their administration, Solís said, citing a study conducted by the University of Chepe Centro.

Adapted from report of April 2014.

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