(The ONION) MENLO PARK, CA – In an effort to put to rest concerns about the direction of the social media giant, Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg announced Friday that all of the company’s future decisions would be made by the Cube Of Justice, which reportedly cannot be questioned nor misled by any mortal means.
“We’ve heard your concerns about the content we choose to promote on our platform, and I would like to assure you that The Cube knows all, sees all, and judges all—it is the ultimate arbiter, and from now on, it will tell us the correct course of action in all situations,” said Facebook’s CEO, Mark Zuckerberg, standing next to the glowing and softly humming object while neglecting to answer any questions about how The Cube Of Justice was made or where it came from.
It’s not up to any one individual, company, or even government to tell us how to navigate the complicated waters of disinformation and free speech.
“Only The Cube can answer these questions, and from now on, it will guide us infallibly. All praise be unto its glorious eight corners,” expressed Zuckerberg.
At press time, The Cube had begun emitting a loud screeching noise and was rapidly expanding in size, leading a pale and shaking Zuckerberg to warn that The Cube could not be stopped.