VATICAN ENQUIRER – Athens – On the heels of signing a “tough love” debt agreement with the European Union, the newly bailed-out Greek government today began asking visitors to pack their own supply of toilet paper.
And if they have room in their suitcases, to maybe bring a few extra rolls for locals.
“We are down to our last warehouse of Charmin Ultra Soft,” a grim Greek Prime Minister Alexis Tsipras told the Wall Street Journal this morning following news that Greece will be totally out of debt in 94 years and able to get back on its feet.
“Sadly, now proud Greeks can no longer even wipe their own rear ends without the permission of Europe.”
“Let alone have quality 2-ply in tourist hotel rooms.”
The national toilet paper shortage in Greece is just one of the immediate outcomes of the “tough-love” 330 billion Euro ($364 billion U.S.) debt restructuring imposed on the country by Germany, the European Union, and a swarm of American banks bailed out by the U.S. government in 2008.
“But anything tourists can bring will be much appreciated greatly by Greeks — non-perishable food items, flashlight batteries, tube socks — we’re pretty much running out of everything,” said Tsipras.
As part of the bailout deal written by German Chancellor Angela Merkel, Greece will remain in the Eurozone but is being forced to cut pensions for old people, increase taxes, and turn over ownership of tourist attractions such as the Acropylis, now the property of MasterCard (“Everything Else is Priceless”).
Social media has exploded with attacks on the “money before people” austerity deal (#ThisIsACoup) and even mainstream media is reminding Merkel that Greece and 20 other countries bailed out Germany in 1953, forgiving 50% of the 32 billion Deutsche Mark debt and allowing easy repayment terms on a “when you can” basis.
“Greece has warm people, culture, historical attractions, and glorious beaches,” said Tsipras.
“We just do not have toilet paper.”
Stock markets climbed sharply on news of the Greek deal with many multi-national corporations assuring investors they will get their dividends after all.