THE INTERNET – A heated debate online was quickly won thanks to that often overlooked left pinkie companion – caps lock! Jordan Ikmann of Toledo, Ohio was frustrated that other internet users were not responding to his bulletproof talking points and noticed they continued to express their own, lesser opinions, despite him clearly pointing out that they were fools and repeating that their opinions were obviously inferior to his own.
Things got heated quickly with all manner of foul language polluting the comment thread with attacks on the mothers and sexual preferences of the combatants. Jordan was ready to pepper his next response with more of the same but he felt he would give these mental midgets one more chance to listen to reason. So while furiously typing his response a slip of the QWERTY typing technique had him inadvertently hit the caps lock key.
“At first it made me angry when I looked up and realized I was going to have to retype my whole argument, losing even a precious second when these morons were on the ropes could ruin everything I’ve spent all afternoon debating,” Jordan said. “However, I paused before I deleted the paragraph and realized that it although it was the same points I had been making earlier it was now DOUBLED in size, DOMINATING the readers attention. It gave my words a weight and seriousness that set it apart from the other cyber clap trap that surrounded it. So I hit send.”
And hit send he did. Jaws were agape on the other terminals when they saw Jordan’s triumphant post. They were humbled. Worse. They were HUMILIATED. Jordan had bested them, there was no arguing with those BIG, BOLD, CAPITALIZED words. Any attempt to rebuke his comment was like throwing a pebble at Superman. How were their lowly lower case manifestos, littered with boring facts, sources and peer reviewed science supposed to stand next to THIS?
Jordan left us with this bit of advice “truth is, if they had found their caps lock key they might just have won but they didn’t and on that day I was the loudest. And no one beats the loudest.” He tipped his “Make America Great Again” hat to us, winked, got onto a horse and rode off into the sunset. What a leader.