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ISIL Leader Steps Down, Eyes 2016 Run

BigDaddy_annot2Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi, leader of the Islamic State in Iraq and the Levant (ISIL), has abandoned his position as head of that militant group, according to several Pentagon sources. Al-Baghdadi is now thought to be contemplating a run at the 2016 GOP nomination for President of the United States.

Officials at the Republican National Committee confirmed that someone of that name has filed papers for an exploratory committee, including a birth certificate with letterhead “Baghdad Governorate ~ America’s 51st State”. And indeed, the Emir’s caliphate would never have been possible without vast American intervention in Iraq, giving Al-Baghdadi room to carve out the new state.

The development comes on the heels of al-Baghdadi shocking political pundits by placing atop a Rasmussen poll for 2016 GOP presidential hopefuls. His fiery conservative fundamentalist rhetoric and dramatic denunciations of U.S. President Barack Obama have wildly endeared him to the Republican base.

In the words of one analyst, “if Mike Huckabee can run, can win, then why not the blessed Emir?”

Mike Huckabee hunting

“He focus-groups well among the ‘values’ voters”, followed up veteran Republican operative Ed Rollins, who ran the presidential campaigns of Mike Huckabee in 2008 and Michele Bachmann in 2012. “He reminds me a lot of Mike, actually. He believes wives should be submissive to their husbands, that homosexuality is wrong, and that God merits a prominent place in our laws and schools. And nobody watching the news in the last year doubts his commitment to the death penalty.”

b3e03629b818c21f8ae63d57af395b25_iReaction in the ISIL leadership was subdued. Deputy head of Iraqi operations, Abu Muslim al-Turkmani groused through a string of intermediaries, “We had had some setbacks. The infidel planes have been everywhere lately, it’s true. But I didn’t think he’d desert us. Maybe he thinks he’ll meet Palin, I don’t know. He had her photos up all around his bunker”.

The news was celebrated among the grass roots in the US. Brynn Stone, organizer of Liberty University Young Republicans, said “the troops are juiced. Big Daddy is coming. Finally— a fresh voice, who really hates Obama!”

Article originally appeared on the Thelapine.ca

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Stomped Tomato is a curious satirical newspaper offering breaking news, political satire, comedy, investigative journalism, opinion and celebrity news. Tomate pisoteado.

Politics

Joe Biden Replaces Trump’s Infamous Diet Coke Button With A Freestyle Machine

STOMPED TOMATO – Of the many of President Joe Biden’s points of business on his first day was to Diet Coke button with a Freestyle machine.

Now former President Donald Trump became fascinated with the little red button sitting on his desk in the oval office. Whenever Trump pressed it, and a valet swiftly brought in a Diet Coke on a silver platter.

“Freestyle machines are genius. One of the very greatest inventions of our modern times,” Suzie on Twitter.

While many applauded Biden’s decision, some, however, feel the freestyle machines are terrible and the president should get a fountain machine.

It is not clear what happened to the box with the red button. But what of the valet?

Sources told ST that the valet is undergoing training to make the machine is always fully stocked with soda.

 

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People

Daughter finds out her uncle is her dad’s brother

STOMPED TOMATO – A growing trend in the online world are stories of family dynamics changing drastically with uncovered family relationships, such as the daughter who found that her uncle is really her father’s brother.

What will this do to the family dynamic? Reddit

Another commented that he was in a similar situation, but different, not too long along when he found that his aunt is really his mother’s sister.

“The entire family freaked out,” writes M.

Fortunately, there are a few things that could be done to preserve your family’s chemistry and dynamic.

Family dynamics can really be screwed. Take the case of a B and his wife’s family situation. B writes, “Her mom and aunt both married brothers. So my wife’s uncle (now deceased) was actually her uncle twice over. He was her uncle because her mom’s sister married him, and he was her uncle because her dad was his brother. For that matter, her aunt is also her aunt twice over.”

R writes, “I know exactly how the feeling. I just found out that my brother is my baby’s uncle, and my brother’s children are my child’s cousins. Obviously, this is a confusing time for everyone and we are navigating it as best as we can.”

A has an equally challenging situation, she writes: I just found out that my mom is actually the one who gave birth to me, and that my grandmother is actually my mom’s mom and I’m so confused and worried like what this will do I don’t know if I can see them in the same way now…”

This is very serious. This kind of experience can cause long lasting trauma.

One recommendation is to log off the internet, obviously, these people have way too much time on their hands. For those who can’t log off, you can help improve your family dynamic by going on Amazon and order lots of self-help books.

Luckily there are many treatments for this ailment being experimented with.

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Politics

WHO congratulates Donald Trump for having carried out a coup without leaving home

While a lot of countries and international organizations condemned Wednesday’s riots in the United States Capitol, the Wordly Health Organization congratulated President Donald Trump for acting responsibly in the midst of a historic pandemic, for staging a coup from home.

Given the warnings of health authorities not to go out, Mr Trump decided maintain social distancing and stay at home to try to overturn the 2020 presidential elections.

“We are pleasantly surprised at  responsibility that Donald Trump took need to the stay at home measures by the WHO during the events on Capitol Hill on January 7, 2021,” said the organization in a statement.

In a statement of his own, Donald Trump said that he preferred to stay at home, “where I can see them from the comfort of my home, than to do it out there with who knows who”.

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