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McDonald’s To Close Canada

McDonalds will close down Canada in February 2017

McDonalds will close down Canada in February 2017

(VATICAN ENQUIRER) Low profits is the reason for McDonald’s announcement of the removal of all Canadian franchises. After a year of struggling to maintain profits in 2015, the McDonald’s franchise has seen an even worse decline in 2016: starting in the US after multiple tax policies have increased the cost of doing business for the fast food giant.

After already closing down almost a thousand locations from due to impeccable profit loss, Stephen Easterbrook, CEO of McDonald’s has announced the removal of all it’s Canadian franchises by February of 2017.

A McDonald's Big Mac value meal

Come February Canadians will no longer be able to enjoy a McDonald’s Big Mac value meal

As Forbes reported early 2015:

The restaurant company closed 350 stores in early 2015, on top of the 350 it had already said it would shutter, as the burger purveyor seeks to stanch sales declines. Earlier on Wednesday, McDonald’s had reported an 11% decrease in revenue and a 30% drop in profit for the first three months of the year, a continuation of its troubles in the last two years as it has struggled to compete with new U.S. competitors, a tough economy in Europe and a food safety scare in Asia. The legendary food chain even tested bizarre menu items in some countries in an attempt to boost profits.

The picture blow shows McDonald’s Chocolate Fries that were introduced in Japan earlier this year.

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To all Canadians out there: you better enjoy the last few months of McDonald’s restaurants on Canadian soil. I guess what they say is true about how the good things never last forever. What do you think of this? Leave your comment below.

With reportering from  theglobalsun.com

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Stomped Tomato is a curious satirical newspaper offering breaking news, political satire, comedy, investigative journalism, opinion and celebrity news. Tomate pisoteado.

Business

Cracker Jack Changes Name To More Politically Correct Caucasian Jack

When ballparks finally open again, those standing for the traditional seventh-inning stretch will be singing some different lyrics to “Take Me Out to the Ballgame.”

After over 100 years of selling its caramel popcorn snack under the name Cracker Jack, Frito-Lay announced today that it would be rebranded as the less offensive “Caucasian Jack.”

“We are very sorry to all the crack—er, I mean, Caucasians we have hurt over the years,” said a spokesperson. “Cracker is an offensive stereotype, and we must make sure that all foods and snack products are culturally sensitive. Think about all the white people who have had to suffer in silence as tens of thousands of baseball fans sang out the hurtful lyrics ‘Buy me some peanuts and Cracker Jacks.'”

“No more. The bigotry stops today.”

The move was applauded by hurt white people, though they are still criticizing Frito-Lay for how pale and pasty-white the Cracker Jack guy is on the logo.

Source: The Babylon Bee

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Business

Walmart Now Requires All Shoppers To Wear Pants

(BabylonBee) U.S.—In a move that’s being called “unprecedented tyranny,” Walmart is now requiring all shoppers to wear pants in their stores.

Americans everywhere slammed Walmart for the move, saying it amounted to an infringement on our constitutional rights.

“I thought this was America,” said one man as a greeter asked him to please put on some sweatpants or something before coming into the store. “It is my constitutional right to go into Walmart and shop for random stuff at 3 a.m. wearing nothing but some boxers and a giant Tweety Bird T-shirt I got in the ’80s.”

“Look, we don’t think this is too much to ask,” said a Walmart spokesperson. “Just throw on some sweats, pajama bottoms, whatever. This is for the health and mental safety of our employees. And for the love of God, take a shower once in a while, you know?”

Shirts will remain optional.

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Business

Subpoenaed Trump Organization Financial Documents Reveal Company’s Only Holding Is Single Dairy Queen In New Jersey

NEW YORK—Saying they are beginning to perceive the full scope of the secretive business dealings, investigators working for special counsel Robert Mueller announced Friday that subpoenaed Trump Organization financial records show the company’s only discrete holding is a Dairy Queen franchise in West Milford, NJ.

“We are currently engaged in a thorough analysis of financial statements, relinquished in response to the subpoena, encompassing the entire Trump Organization’s business empire, namely the Dairy Queen just down Marshall Hill Road from the paintball supply shop,” said agent Maria Russo, explaining that the last 30 years of President Trump’s business career appear to have been spent running the franchise, and that all his investments, accrued debt, and total net worth are tied up in the ownership of the suburban ice cream stand.

“As we understand it so far, the day-to-day work of all 20,000 Trump employees worldwide, including the thousands working at the company’s rented headquarters in Trump Tower, is singularly devoted to the management and promotion of this Dairy Queen franchise.

We are also in possession of tax records indicating Trump did briefly own a minor share of a Pizza Hut on Long Island, but it apparently went bankrupt in 1997.”

Russo also said that the investigation had not yet turned up definitive links to Russian money, but noted the job description for the Dairy Queen night manager included “at least three ‘ruble runs’ a week” to the currency exchange at the Newark Airport.

Source: The Onion

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