WILMINGTON, DE—A shaken and dazed Joe Biden told reporters today about a terrifying encounter he had just experienced. Biden had emerged from his basement to get a few groceries, and on his way back he was ambushed in an alleyway by President Trump.
“No Chris Wallace to save you now!” Trump reportedly yelled, and then proceeded to engage in a completely unregulated debate, screaming at Biden about how great the economy is doing and how Biden is completely beholden to the left wing of his party.
Cornered and with no moderator, Biden was unable to resist. He tried yelling back weakly, “C’mon man!” and “Shut up! Shut up!” but it had no effect on the barrage of words Trump was laying on him, saying how many more people would have died in the pandemic if Biden was in charge. “Don’t I get two minutes to respond?” Biden finally asked.
“You get nothing!” Trump yelled back before badgering Biden about the $3.5 million Biden’s son, Hunter, allegedly got from Moscow.
Biden finally yielded, allowing Trump to declare himself the victor. But when Trump realized no one else had seen the debate, he just shuffled off sadly.