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‘No Chris Wallace To Save You Now!’ Trump Ambushes Biden

WILMINGTON, DE—A shaken and dazed Joe Biden told reporters today about a terrifying encounter he had just experienced. Biden had emerged from his basement to get a few groceries, and on his way back he was ambushed in an alleyway by President Trump.

“No Chris Wallace to save you now!” Trump reportedly yelled, and then proceeded to engage in a completely unregulated debate, screaming at Biden about how great the economy is doing and how Biden is completely beholden to the left wing of his party.

Cornered and with no moderator, Biden was unable to resist. He tried yelling back weakly, “C’mon man!” and “Shut up! Shut up!” but it had no effect on the barrage of words Trump was laying on him, saying how many more people would have died in the pandemic if Biden was in charge. “Don’t I get two minutes to respond?” Biden finally asked.

“You get nothing!” Trump yelled back before badgering Biden about the $3.5 million Biden’s son, Hunter, allegedly got from Moscow.

Biden finally yielded, allowing Trump to declare himself the victor. But when Trump realized no one else had seen the debate, he just shuffled off sadly.

WILMINGTON, DE—A shaken and dazed Joe Biden told reporters today about a terrifying encounter he had just experienced. Biden had emerged from his basement to get a few groceries, and on his way back he was ambushed in an alleyway by President Trump.

“No Chris Wallace to save you now!” Trump reportedly yelled, and then proceeded to engage in a completely unregulated debate, screaming at Biden about how great the economy is doing and how Biden is completely beholden to the left wing of his party.

Cornered and with no moderator, Biden was unable to resist. He tried yelling back weakly, “C’mon man!” and “Shut up! Shut up!” but it had no effect on the barrage of words Trump was laying on him, saying how many more people would have died in the pandemic if Biden was in charge. “Don’t I get two minutes to respond?” Biden finally asked.

“You get nothing!” Trump yelled back before badgering Biden about the $3.5 million Biden’s son, Hunter, allegedly got from Moscow.

Biden finally yielded, allowing Trump to declare himself the victor. But when Trump realized no one else had seen the debate, he just shuffled off sadly.

https://babylonbee.com/news/no-chris-wallace-to-save-you-now-trump-ambushes-biden-in-alleyway-to-debate-him

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Stomped Tomato is a curious satirical newspaper offering breaking news, political satire, comedy, investigative journalism, opinion and celebrity news. Tomate pisoteado.

Politics

Joe Biden Replaces Trump’s Infamous Diet Coke Button With A Freestyle Machine

STOMPED TOMATO – Of the many of President Joe Biden’s points of business on his first day was to Diet Coke button with a Freestyle machine.

Now former President Donald Trump became fascinated with the little red button sitting on his desk in the oval office. Whenever Trump pressed it, and a valet swiftly brought in a Diet Coke on a silver platter.

“Freestyle machines are genius. One of the very greatest inventions of our modern times,” Suzie on Twitter.

While many applauded Biden’s decision, some, however, feel the freestyle machines are terrible and the president should get a fountain machine.

It is not clear what happened to the box with the red button. But what of the valet?

Sources told ST that the valet is undergoing training to make the machine is always fully stocked with soda.

 

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Politics

WHO congratulates Donald Trump for having carried out a coup without leaving home

While a lot of countries and international organizations condemned Wednesday’s riots in the United States Capitol, the Wordly Health Organization congratulated President Donald Trump for acting responsibly in the midst of a historic pandemic, for staging a coup from home.

Given the warnings of health authorities not to go out, Mr Trump decided maintain social distancing and stay at home to try to overturn the 2020 presidential elections.

“We are pleasantly surprised at  responsibility that Donald Trump took need to the stay at home measures by the WHO during the events on Capitol Hill on January 7, 2021,” said the organization in a statement.

In a statement of his own, Donald Trump said that he preferred to stay at home, “where I can see them from the comfort of my home, than to do it out there with who knows who”.

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Politics

Biden supporter admits to being behind massive voter fraud

The investigation into the 2020 US Elections voter fraud took at turn on Monday when a Biden supporter admitted to being behind the whole thing.

Although his name was not released publicly, for his personal security, authorities explained how the fraud was committed in various states across the United States of America.

“Trump has a good case for not accepting his loss because there actually was massive election fraud. I know this because: It was me!,” read the statement to the press.

The fruadster explained that he went to Ballots-R-Us website and ordered thousands of mail-in ballots that are indistinguishable from the officially registered ballots. “I clicked the checkbox option that adds authentic verified signatures of people who had recently died (it costs extra but well worth the labor),” he said.

“After printing all those ballots and filling the ‘Biden’ box on each one, I snuck into the election center in Pennsylvania with my bag load of Biden ballots, and added them to the pile of ballots marked “not counted yet.

“Just like Trump warned, I did this at four o’clock in the morning because it’s really dark then and the security guards were sleepy. Nobody was the wiser,” continued the explanation.

Fraudster says he had help from pals in Nevada, Arizona, and Georgia, but luckily it wasn’t needed, the North Carolina pal didn’t print enought ballots.

Fraudster added that he now feels much better “now that I’ve come clean”.

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