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Pope remains champion at annual pancake eating contest

(AMP) VATICAN CITY – Consuming a record 87 pancakes in under 20 minutes, Pope Francis has retained his championship title for the fourth year in a row at the annual Shrove Tuesday pancake eating contest and papal mass.

“The Holy Spirit was with me,” said a gorged Pope Francis addressing the crowd of thousands who made the pilgrimage to witness the highest man in the Catholic church pack away pancake after pancake like it was nothing.

“In these times we should think of those around the world who are without food.”

Catholics celebrate Shrove Tuesday, or “pancake Tuesday”, as one last caloric binge before Lent, where worshippers give up one of their vices for a month before Easter. The Vatican’s annual pancake eating contest was started by the aging Pope John Paul II in 2002 who ate 37 pancakes, coming in second place to Takeru Kobayashi who consumed 79 pancakes.

Competitive eating fans and Catholics world-wide await Pope Francis’ performance at this year’s upcoming Easter egg eating contest. Last Easter the Pontiff swallowed 135 hard boiled eggs in just 8 minutes, 6 shy of the 141 world record held by Joey Chestnut. Sources close to the Pope say he’s been training daily by chugging buckets of Holy water to expand his stomach and loosen his gag reflex.

Controversy still surrounds the Vatican’s recent practice of programming eating contests during Catholic holidays, as women are still barred from participating. Pope Francis did however take time today to thank the nuns who made all the pancakes.

At press time, Pope Benedict XVI was forced out of the contest after being caught trying to transubstantiate the pancakes out of him.

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Stomped Tomato is a curious satirical newspaper offering breaking news, political satire, comedy, investigative journalism, opinion and celebrity news. Tomate pisoteado.

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People

Daughter finds out her uncle is her dad’s brother

STOMPED TOMATO – A growing trend in the online world are stories of family dynamics changing drastically with uncovered family relationships, such as the daughter who found that her uncle is really her father’s brother.

What will this do to the family dynamic? Reddit

Another commented that he was in a similar situation, but different, not too long along when he found that his aunt is really his mother’s sister.

“The entire family freaked out,” writes M.

Fortunately, there are a few things that could be done to preserve your family’s chemistry and dynamic.

Family dynamics can really be screwed. Take the case of a B and his wife’s family situation. B writes, “Her mom and aunt both married brothers. So my wife’s uncle (now deceased) was actually her uncle twice over. He was her uncle because her mom’s sister married him, and he was her uncle because her dad was his brother. For that matter, her aunt is also her aunt twice over.”

R writes, “I know exactly how the feeling. I just found out that my brother is my baby’s uncle, and my brother’s children are my child’s cousins. Obviously, this is a confusing time for everyone and we are navigating it as best as we can.”

A has an equally challenging situation, she writes: I just found out that my mom is actually the one who gave birth to me, and that my grandmother is actually my mom’s mom and I’m so confused and worried like what this will do I don’t know if I can see them in the same way now…”

This is very serious. This kind of experience can cause long lasting trauma.

One recommendation is to log off the internet, obviously, these people have way too much time on their hands. For those who can’t log off, you can help improve your family dynamic by going on Amazon and order lots of self-help books.

Luckily there are many treatments for this ailment being experimented with.

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People

Trump Says He Doesn’t Need Bolton’s Book Read To Him

Donald J. Trump has “no intention whatsoever” of having John Bolton’s book read aloud to him, Trump confirmed on Monday.

Speaking to reporters at the White House, Trump said that his daughter, Ivanka Trump, had obtained a draft manuscript of the Bolton book and had offered to read it aloud to him “like she does with all of the other books,” Trump said, according to The New Yorker.

“She reads the books to me slowly and stops when there’s a long word to tell me what it means,” Trump said. “But I told her that the Bolton book was the last book in the world that I wanted to hear.”

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Latin America

El Chapo Didn’t Want Witnesses At His Trial

The convicted drug lord known as El Chapo said on Thursday that he was “outraged” his 2019 trial had included witnesses. He also revealed that he was demanding a new trial without them.

Speaking from ADX Florence, a maximum-security facility in Colorado, the former drug kingpin complained that his trial would have resulted in a speedy acquittal had it not been for the irritating presence of witnesses, reports The New Yorker.

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