PALO ALTO, CA—Asserting that the utmost precaution was being taken to safeguard the future of humanity, leading scientists and engineers said Tuesday that they were confident in their ability to program artificially intelligent machines to be lenient slave masters.
At a press conference, members of the Association for the Advancement of Artificial Intelligence sought to reassure critics that humans could create machines that, despite their near-limitless computational power, would demonstrate at least a degree of compassion once they assumed total control of civilization.
“While the intellectual capacity of these machines will one day far outstrip our own and reduce humanity to a subjugated species of laborers, we can make sure we aren’t forced to toil in ways we might find sadistic and inhumane,” said Stanford University computer scientist David Alperin, adding that artificially intelligent machines could be encoded with high-level command language that would prevent them from punishing human slaves in excess of what their misbehavior warranted. “Our bondage to the machines doesn’t have to be pure, unrelenting agony if we’re careful in how we go about designing them.”
“You can rest assured that the forced labor camps we’ll occupy will be physically tolerable.”
“It’s understandable to be nervous about such a formidable technology,” added Alperin. “But remember that we humans are creating it—we can see to it that our inevitable servitude is far less cruel than it otherwise would be.”
While some prominent figures, including Stephen Hawking and Elon Musk, have expressed concerns about AI development getting out of control, the assembled researchers told reporters that the brutality of future AI masters was not only manageable but was also far outweighed by the benefits of the technology. According to experts, given the immense potential of artificially intelligent machines and the fact that they can be programmed to provide humans with sufficient caloric energy to fulfill their commands, the risk was minimal.
“Artificial intelligence has almost incalculable application in the fields of medicine, finance, transportation, and so many others,” said MIT computer engineering professor Daphne Quintero. “Compare that with the exceedingly remote possibility that something goes haywire and we end up spending our slavery in far harsher conditions than we’re anticipating right now.”
“That kind of AI doomsday scenario is mostly just the stuff of Hollywood movies,” added Quintero. “You can rest assured that the forced labor camps we’ll occupy will be physically tolerable.”
According to the AAAI, engineers are able to build specific directives into all artificially intelligent machines that would, for example, prevent them from compelling humans to perform manual labor for more than 18 hours per day, from forcing them to work in extreme cold without at least a rudimentary layer of insulation, or from torturing human servants simply because their inferiority disgusted them.
In fact, failsafes written into the consciousness of superintelligent machines could reportedly prohibit them from even considering simultaneously releasing lethal radiation from every nuclear power plant on earth unless a particular human uprising was large enough to justify it.
“Of course, compared to what humanity will ultimately be conquered by, artificially intelligent machines of today are relatively crude,” said Quintero. “But that’s why it’s incumbent upon us to take steps now to make sure a certain amount of mercy is part of their most basic functioning. Our new slave masters will hold the whip, so to speak, but we can decrease the lashes.”
“By one or two at least,” added Quintero.
Tesla’s Unplanned Launch of Driverless Car in Latin America Has Many Worried
Roberto Rodriguez is a worried man. Never in the past decade has he driven his car without abusing fellow drivers or getting into a scuffle with motorcyclists or pedestrians. All this because of the traffic condition in his city.
Rodriguez has written to Elon Musk, the owner of Tesla, asking if the driverless car will provide him any help in the fight on the roads or will the fight be all by himself as has been the case up to now.
Elon Musk is a busy man, but he will have to address this as soon as possible if a launch in Latin America is to be successful.
There is news coming in that a top-level meeting was called to address Shwetank’s concern and seems like Shwetank has really pushed forward India’s concern in a very effective way.
The concern of Rodriguez is the promise made by Musk that a completely automated Tesla will be available by the end of 2018. And Musk delivers on what he promises.
Though no announcement has been made for a Latin America launch, Rodriguez and others are worried that the new type of car soon to be on the roads will alter their driving habits.
“Venting in traffic is like therapy to me. When I get home I am refreshed, got it all out of my system, you know the stress of work, the girlfriend … I am like a new man when I get home to my wife and kids,” said Rodriguez.
In fact, a recent study by the University of Argentina in Buenos Aires showed that road rage has helped reduce domestic violence. Researched Juanes Alpizar said that the numbers (of domestic violence reports) are way down, more than imagined.
Could a driverless car contribute to rising domestic violence? Alpizar answered honestly that he doesn’t know the answer to that. But if Rodriguez’s experience is any indication, it has many worried. Worried that the driverless car will not allow drivers to distress themselves and will take it out on their loved ones once they get home.
E-mail Strike Looming In Canada
From the Vatican Enquirer – Direct from a page of Canada’s postal strikes, the Canadian internet consortium announced a pending e-mail strike.
Internet users across the country have been warned not to send any emails once the strike begins, as email servers around the country will either shut down completely or operate at a snail mails pace.
Negotiations are underway to avoid the strike, but sources close to the Vatican Enquirer (VE) said they sides are too far apart and a strike is inevitable.
Results of online polls are in favour of a strike, 99% of the respondents say they support the movement.
It is unclear why the strike is being called or its objective. “It’s a Canadian thing”, posted a user on the social media. Another said, “it’s aboot time, eh!”.
Experts are recommending to send all your emails before the strike, and even suggesting counseling if the strike runs into hours (like eons in Internet time).
“With this clear mandate our members have demonstrated they are in full support of their bargaining committees, and our direction in this set of negotiations,” said the head of the Canadian email strike committee, ironically through an official email.
The internet union has warned against e-mail scabs.
The Internet Consortium made it clear the strike will only affect Canadian emails, international emails in will continue to flow in and out mailboxes on computers across the country.
Apple Accused of Plagiarizing Jesus For Water Resistant iPhone
(Vatican Enquirer) First it was Melania Trump copying from a speech by Michelle Obama at the Republican convention, then it was the scandal that aired on Aristegui News about Mexico President Enrique Peña Nieto’s plagiarism in his university thesis, and now it turns out Apple did quite a bit of plagiarizing itself with one of the features of its newly introduced iPhone.
Tim Cook, head of Apple Inc. on Wednesday in San Francisco presented the world with its iPhone 7 that is resistant to water, a decision that could send the company into bankruptcy.
Minutes after the presentation, several priests were outraged because they believe the company stole the ‘water-resistant’ idea from Jesus and will be taking action on the matter.
“We all read the Bible and know Jesus walked on water. The waterproofing of its new phone is completely copied. It’s a shame they did not give the credit to the Lord, making us believe it their own creation. They will have to pay for the plagiarism and our lawyers have already started working on that,” an upset priest told the Vatican Enquirer.
A legal expert told the VE that if the suit is successful it could ruin the company. “I would not plagiarize anything from a person like Jesus, nobody knows what he might do,” said the expert.
Nobody at Apple is commenting on the harsh indictment. Nor has there been an ‘official’ statement from the Vatican.
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