Self Infected E. Coli The New Hollywood Diet Craze


VATICAN ENQUIRER – Spinach contaminated with E. coli has spawned a questionable health cleansing trend in Los Angeles.

A spinach supplier to many L.A. juiceries has just announced a recall of any juices containing the leafing green, after dozens were hospitalized with serious E. coli infections. However, the rapid weight loss experienced by those affected has caused an increase in demand for green juice in which spinach is an ingredient.

The beginning of 2015 saw an impressive hike in cold-pressed juice sales around the nation, as many health-minded individuals kick started their new year’s resolutions with a “juice cleanse.”

“We were worried. We expected sales to take a big hit with the E. coli breakout,” said Cheap Jewce owner Rachel Silverstein, whose company is known for their moderately priced Kosher juices. “The New Year is to juicing in Los Angeles, what Valentines Day is to chocolate in the fly-over states. This is like a bad batch of Botox during award season.”

Symptoms of the bacterial infection, which include bloody diarrhea, abdominal cramping and severe nausea and vomiting won’t exactly give juicers the healthy glow they were hoping for. Left untreated, the bacterial infection can cause kidney failure and even death.

In an unexpected turn of events, however, many juiceries didn’t see a dip in profits; in fact, spinach based flavors saw an increase in sales. Celebrity health guru, Dr. Wizard of Oz explained, “Many of my clients heard those affected by the E. coli tainted juice experienced increased weight loss. With so many of them are getting ready for red carpets, a few days in the hospital is a quick and worthwhile fix to whatever binging they did over the holidays.”

“I don’t understand what the big deal is,” said Krystal Stevens, a self-described raw foodist and regular juicer. “The symptoms of E. coli infection sound like your average detox symptoms. I don’t even believe it’s really E. coli; probably a bunch of meat eaters with a lot of toxicity in their bodies.”

The public’s reaction, or lack thereof to the E. coli breakout, has many in the wellness and weight-loss business looking to capitalize on the bacteria strain.

“The research is in its infancy, but me and my team are working on isolating a less dangerous strain of E. coli that can be added to juices and smoothies voluntarily,” Dr. Wizard of Oz announced. “Exposing the body to the strain will not only result in more pronounced weight loss, but may increase its immunity in a similar way to how the body results to antibiotics.”


When asked what they thought about Dr. Wizard of Oz’s plans, the FDA responded, “In no way should a consumer, purposely consume E. Coli. It’s dangerously deadly. Even if a celebrity endorses it, don’t do it.”

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