THE VATICAN – The hosts of long-running TV series Antiques Roadshow from the United States, UK, and Canada teamed up at the request of Pope Francis and have determined that the Shroud of Turin was without a doubt Jesus Christ’s funereal blanket.
After hours of examining the tattered 8 cubits by 2 cubits piece of blood-stained linen, Mark Walberg (PBS), Fiona Bruce (BBC), and Valerie Pringle (CBC and heiress to the Pringle Chips empire) announced that the Shroud is legitimate and “could fetch upwards of $200 million (BPS 131, $204 CDN).”
“A bit eggy waffing when the Swiss Guards first opened the case. Manky smell that,” said Bruce, former host of Who Can Tap Dance Great Britain? and author of Snogging Through the Ages. “Tattered toshy hank of blankie really but it snuggied the Son Of Him I figure.”
“Yeah. What she said,” said PBS host Mark Walberg.
The trio of television hosts was flown to Turin by the Vatican and spent most of an afternoon at The Cathedral of St. John the Baptist before emerging to speak to media gathered in the apse.
“We’ve all seen lots of fakes with pretty good nail wounds, and that spear wound to the chest,” said Walberg, no relation to actor and former underwear model Mark Wahlberg. “But this one had little bits of flax right in the cloth and they did use flax in everything around the Year Zero. You cannot fake flax.”
The Catholic Church has never endorsed nor rejected the legitimacy of the Shroud but issued a statement immediately upon the findings being released.
“The Catholic Church blesses this holy Shroud as the burial wrap of our Lord Jesus Christ,” read the Papal Release “This is a miracle from our Father and the Shroud will begin a world tour with Catholic singer Nana Mouskouri backed up by the Pat Boone Band, on the orders of Pope Emeritus Benedict.”
The 14’3″ by 3’7″ (4.4m X 1.1M) bolt of eggshell cloth bears the image of a white man who appears to have suffered wounds one might get from being crucified. Computer enhancements have shown the image to be that of a bearded man with shoulder-length streaked blonde hair. He is estimated to have stood 3.5 cubits (6’2″, 1.88m) with a muscular build and long-haired chest moles.
American reality TV show Pawn Stars was also asked by the Vatican to examine the Shroud but declined, saying their participation could put the legitimacy of the research in doubt.
“If it was in mint condition, I’d have been interested,” said Richard “Old Man” Harrison, star of the History Channel’s Pawn Stars. “But it’d be hard for us to sell when you can get a pretty realistic Shroud knock-off printed on a beach towel for around $99 with free overnight FedEx delivery.”
By Father Guido Sarducci, Reporting for The Vatican Enquirer