Slapping Gays Still Illegal Clarifies Indiana Governor


INDIANAPOLIS — The controversial new state law that allows Christians to taunt gays, atheists, blacks, browns, Jews, Muslims, the homeless, or anyone with the devil’s flaming red hair does not mean bitch slapping is allowed, Indiana Governor Mike Pence said today.

“I am certainly discouraging Hoosiers of faith from hitting heathens,” Pence told CNN and the New York Times this morning.

“Look. You can now refuse service to anyone who is different.”

“You can yell at them, mock the heck out them, even evict them from your basement rental suite.”

“But it is still illegal to hit them, trip them, or even just give them a wedgie.”

Immediately following Governor Pence signing the Indiana Religious Freedom Restoration Act (RFRA) into law, clashes broke out between a group of “effeminate men” and an organized parade of Christians marching through the streets of downtown Indianapolis in celebration. Police say 4 men spotted holding hands with other men were arrested for disturbing the peace.

“I just don’t get why those types of people are upset by this law,” said Pence.

“The Supreme Court says we have to let women marry women and men marry men..and we even have to bake their cake for them. What the heckaroonie?”

“The United States is a Christian nation that has begun to wobble away from the Bible and now Indianans are simply saying that’s no longer going to happen in our back yard.”

Reaction to the passing of the RFRA has been swift with a growing number of corporations, celebrities, and sports teams calling for travel bans and boycotting Indiana’s corn, hogs, rye whiskey, and any t-shirts or hoodies with the word Hoosier.

635629670775507128-003-takeiLate-night television host David Letterman, born in Indianapolis, is scheduled to do the Top Ten Reasons Indiana is Afraid of Homos on tonight’s Late Show.

The NFL’s Indianapolis Colts, the NBA’s Indiana Pacers, and the NCAA have all expressed concerns that if one or two of their athletes are tightly-closeted gays they might feel uncomfortable in Indiana. Former Star Trek actor and gay rights activist George Takei is calling for his nearly 9 million Facebook followers to Unlike the state and Governor Pence.

“Listen. We’re not trying to blow off gays,” said Pence.

“We’re just saying we want nothing to do with them”

“These people shouldn’t take it personally.”

The hashtag #BoycottIndiana bumped #TedCruzIsAPrick from Twitter’s trend list late yesterday.


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