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SouthWest Airline’s New “Pass The Bottle” Policy

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(VATICAN ENQUIRER) Phoenix, AZ – Gas prices are on the rise once again, and once again this means that our nation’s airlines are busy coming up with sneaky new tactics to gouge a few more dollars out of the old bottom line. This week, SouthWest Airlines announced it’s new “Pass The Bottle” beverage and snack policy.

We talked to a super gay steward while whisking along on the moving sidewalks, who explained his company’s new snack time routine. “Oh, it couldn’t be simpler,” told Bruce Winestain, who loves how much less work he has to do during a cross country flight.

“What we are going to do from now on is open up a couple of 2 liter bottles of Coke, one for each side of the plane, at Row 1. We’ll give it to the first passenger, where they can take a sip of the bottle and pass it back. It’s that simple! An then a big bag of peanuts will come around in the same fashion. Just take a hand full and pass them back, too. It’s all explained at the end of my pre-flight safety shtick anyway.

SouthWest hopes that its customers won’t mind the inconvenience of not having your own plastic glass or chance at a second sip from the big bottle, but the company is certain that most of its customers would rather save an average of fifteen cents per flight. “Listen, if a customer is really getting pissed ’cause they want a second sip of Coke so bad,” said CEO Mark Wingnut, “then they can always get up and go to the bathroom, and try to snag the bottle at the end of the line. How easy is that? You were probably getting up anyway-”

Speaking of which, while your on your way to the bathroom, you might want to bring along some toilet paper with you – just one more of SouthWest’s little cost cutting measures.

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Stomped Tomato is a curious satirical newspaper offering breaking news, political satire, comedy, investigative journalism, opinion and celebrity news. Tomate pisoteado.

Business

Cracker Jack Changes Name To More Politically Correct Caucasian Jack

When ballparks finally open again, those standing for the traditional seventh-inning stretch will be singing some different lyrics to “Take Me Out to the Ballgame.”

After over 100 years of selling its caramel popcorn snack under the name Cracker Jack, Frito-Lay announced today that it would be rebranded as the less offensive “Caucasian Jack.”

“We are very sorry to all the crack—er, I mean, Caucasians we have hurt over the years,” said a spokesperson. “Cracker is an offensive stereotype, and we must make sure that all foods and snack products are culturally sensitive. Think about all the white people who have had to suffer in silence as tens of thousands of baseball fans sang out the hurtful lyrics ‘Buy me some peanuts and Cracker Jacks.'”

“No more. The bigotry stops today.”

The move was applauded by hurt white people, though they are still criticizing Frito-Lay for how pale and pasty-white the Cracker Jack guy is on the logo.

Source: The Babylon Bee

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Business

Walmart Now Requires All Shoppers To Wear Pants

(BabylonBee) U.S.—In a move that’s being called “unprecedented tyranny,” Walmart is now requiring all shoppers to wear pants in their stores.

Americans everywhere slammed Walmart for the move, saying it amounted to an infringement on our constitutional rights.

“I thought this was America,” said one man as a greeter asked him to please put on some sweatpants or something before coming into the store. “It is my constitutional right to go into Walmart and shop for random stuff at 3 a.m. wearing nothing but some boxers and a giant Tweety Bird T-shirt I got in the ’80s.”

“Look, we don’t think this is too much to ask,” said a Walmart spokesperson. “Just throw on some sweats, pajama bottoms, whatever. This is for the health and mental safety of our employees. And for the love of God, take a shower once in a while, you know?”

Shirts will remain optional.

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Subpoenaed Trump Organization Financial Documents Reveal Company’s Only Holding Is Single Dairy Queen In New Jersey

NEW YORK—Saying they are beginning to perceive the full scope of the secretive business dealings, investigators working for special counsel Robert Mueller announced Friday that subpoenaed Trump Organization financial records show the company’s only discrete holding is a Dairy Queen franchise in West Milford, NJ.

“We are currently engaged in a thorough analysis of financial statements, relinquished in response to the subpoena, encompassing the entire Trump Organization’s business empire, namely the Dairy Queen just down Marshall Hill Road from the paintball supply shop,” said agent Maria Russo, explaining that the last 30 years of President Trump’s business career appear to have been spent running the franchise, and that all his investments, accrued debt, and total net worth are tied up in the ownership of the suburban ice cream stand.

“As we understand it so far, the day-to-day work of all 20,000 Trump employees worldwide, including the thousands working at the company’s rented headquarters in Trump Tower, is singularly devoted to the management and promotion of this Dairy Queen franchise.

We are also in possession of tax records indicating Trump did briefly own a minor share of a Pizza Hut on Long Island, but it apparently went bankrupt in 1997.”

Russo also said that the investigation had not yet turned up definitive links to Russian money, but noted the job description for the Dairy Queen night manager included “at least three ‘ruble runs’ a week” to the currency exchange at the Newark Airport.

Source: The Onion

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