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The ‘Slow Olympics’ Coming Later This Year

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MUNICH — Preparations are nearing completion for the world’s first Slow Olympics, where athletes from around the world will compete while living in the moment.

Inspired by other Slow movements such as Slow Food, Slow Parenting and Slow Emergency Response, the first annual Slow Olympics is scheduled to open this August in the Bavarian town of Platzed.

“It’s not about how ‘fast’ you can do it or if you can do it ’better’ than the other guy…it’s about how rewarding is it for you on a deep and personal level,” said International Slow Olympics Committee’s president Dietrich Schleppers.

Up to 500 athletes from a dozen countries are expected to “uncompete” in such unique Slow Olympics events as the 100 Metre Meander, the Easy-Does-It-Don’t-Give-Yourself-a-Hernia Discus Throw, and (to be live-streamed online) Ladies Hot Tub Volleyball.

With no starting guns or finish lines, judges will rate-but-not-judge athletes on such Slow Olympics criteria as “in the zone”, “stopping to smell the roses”, “being in touch with your body beautiful”, and “peak mindful experience”.

The inaugural Slow Olympics is expected to draw a huge TV audience and will finish “by 2017 at the very latest,” according to Schleppers, a former mascot for the Turks and Caicos national soccer team.

“Unless, of course, people are having a really calm time, in which case it could go on and on and on …” he added.

New-Omega-Olympic-Starting-Blocks-2_thumbPlatzed mayor Hoagy Carmichaelstein expects the Slow Olympics will put his sleepy Alpine village on the map.

“We are already famous from up to 100 kilometres for our Wiener Schnitzel, our beer gardens, unt our coronary thrombosis. Slow athletics is, for us, a perfect fit!”

Shleppers promises athletes will be strictly – and very slowly – tested for performance-enhancing drugs such as Xanax, Halcion and chamomile tea.

Pre-event sex will be encouraged – “and facilitated.”

Article by Syd Baumel, Via Thelapine.ca

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Canada

Toronto Blue Jays to change name to something racist in order to find new home in U.S.

(The Beaverton) Anywhere but TORONTO – After the Toronto Blue Jays have been barred from playing in their home city and rejected by Pittsburgh, the desperate team has stated they are willing to change their name to something offensive in order to get more interest in US cities.

“We understand that in order to be a professional sports team based in the U.S., it is helpful to have a racist name,” said general manager Ross Atkins. “While we’re not thrilled about it, we are willing to play ball in order to play ball.”

Given the current state of the US, and it’s history of culturally insensitive team names, Atkins and the team believe the club’s best option is to change their name to something that will require being changed in a few short months.

“It’ll be hard, but I am sure we can find some culture that major league sports have not yet insulted,” said Vladimir Guerrero Jr. “Jewish people, mexican people, maybe get real creative and take down Pacific Islanders.”

“It doesn’t even have to be an ethnic group! The Toronto Pizza-gaters, the Toronto 9/11 Truthers, the Toronto MAGAnificents…we are willing to have any offensive name with any offensive mascot so we can get back to what’s really important: branding deals. USA!”

The team is also delighted to hear that since Edmonton’s CFL team has agreed to change names, their previous moniker is now available. “I am sure Americans will get a kick out of offending a whole new culture they only sometimes take pot-shots at,” said Blue Jay short-stop Bo Bichette.

“We’re really open to calling our team anything at this point,” said Atkins. “We carry with us the proud spirit of our fellow Canadians in that we are adaptable and able to ignore very obvious and pervasive cultural ignorance.”

With time running out to find a new home, The Blue Jays will democratically be polling communities in America to find out which group they would like to see belittled the most.

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Sports

Atlanta Falcons Win Popular Vote, Still Lose Super Bowl

VATICAN ENQUIRER (Houston, Texas) The results of Super Bowl LI are in, and the winner is the New England Patriots.

After pulling out to an early 28-3 lead, Atlanta allowed the Patriots to reel off 25 consecutive points to tie the game and secure an overtime period (the first in Super Bowl history).

Although the Falcons outpaced the Patriots by nearly millions of fans, according to Nielsen ratings released late this evening, the Patriots pulled of an amazing comeback to win in overtime by a score of 34-28.

“We all brought each other back,” said quarterback Tom Brady, who was named Super Bowl M.V.P. for a record fourth time. “We never felt out of it.”

At the end, Brady completed 43 of 62 passes for 466 yards and two touchdowns.

For his part, Falcons quarterback Matt Ryan appeared unstoppable through the first three quarters with plenty of help from the Falcons defense.

The game became political after President Donald Trump chose to side with the Patriots setting off a firestorm of left wing hacks to back the Falcons in an Anti-American move to simply spite the President.  The famed commercials aired during the game added to the sentiment of a large number of Americans unhappy with the direction taken by the Trump administration.

Trump, who is famously friendly with the team’s owner (Robert Kraft), coach (Bill Belichick) and quarterback (Tom Brady), gave up on his Super Bowl favorites after the team went down 28-3 in the second half and left his Trump International Golf Party in West Palm Beach, Florida.  Trump would later tweet “What an amazing comeback and win by the Patriots.  Tom Brady, Bob Kraft and Coach B are total winners.  Wow.”

In response to the lose, liberals launched the hashtag #NotMyOvertime.

Article originally appeared on Nationalreport.net

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People

Female Softball Player Comes Out as Straight

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A college softball player from the University of Texas shocked the sports world today by coming out as a heterosexual.

In an emotional press conference this morning, Jennifer Ryan, 23, announced that she was a “proud member” of the opposite-sex community. The senior shortstop is believed to be the first and only openly straight women’s softball player in the history of NCAA athletics.

“I would just like to thank everyone who has supported me through this difficult time in my life,” she told reporters at McCombs Field in Austin. “For years I have known that I was different, but lacked the courage to be open about my lifestyle with family, friends and teammates.

“Today I would like to tell the world that I am straight. It’s not something that I chose. I was simply born this way. And after years of living in the closet, the time has come for me to start being who I really am.

“I want to tell every little girl in America: you don’t have to be gay to be an elite softball player. Straight athletes hit just as hard, pitch just as hard, and run just as hard as everybody else.

“Hopefully my example will inspire other straight softball players to come out from the shadows. We need to stand up and be recognized for the amazing contributions we have made to this sport.”

First Base

Today’s news comes after several high-profile male athletes have come out as gay in recent months. Jason Collins became the first openly-gay player in the NBA this year after the Brooklyn Nets signed him in February. And the NFL is expected to have its first openly gay player when Missouri defensive end Michael Sam is drafted in May.

Just yesterday, men’s college basketball became the latest sport to have it’s first openly gay player when UMass sophomore forward Derrick Gordon came out to USA Today.

Other collegiate sports have long had openly gay athletes. But some, like softball, have notoriously had a dearth of openly straight ones.

Nevertheless Ryan’s coming-out has drawn support from several prominent gay softball stars. Shortly after the press conference  2008 silver medalist Lauren Lappin  Tweeted, “Great day for college softball. Jennifer Ryan has proved we are a sport that accepts all lifestyles.”

Source: Daily Currant

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