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There’s only one America, and that’s the United States of America.

VATICAN ENQUIRER (Commentary) – I’m a pretty laid-back guy. As long as other countries don’t get in our way, I’m fine letting them do whatever they want. But as someone born and raised in the U.S.A., there are some things I won’t put up with. Like, if I ever heard a country besides our own was suddenly calling itself America? Man, I’d be so goddamn pissed.

Hell, let me come right out and say it: You would not want to mess with me if you started telling everyone your country’s name was America. I would go totally ballistic.

Seriously, if I ever turned on the news and saw some president or king or something talking about how his nation was “America” and how his citizens were “Americans,” I’d have a hard time not going apeshit. It wouldn’t matter to me how rich or powerful this guy was. I swear to God, I’d go straight to his country, even if it was really far away, and cold-cock the guy right in his goddamn mouth.

Because that’s our country’s name. Not yours. You don’t just steal someone else’s name, especially not America’s. You got that?

And don’t pretend like you didn’t know our America already existed! If some country tried to act like that, I’d just be like, “Give me a break, pal. Of course you knew about us.” We’ve had the name America for hundreds and hundreds of years. So going and pretending it’s yours is a total dick move, and anyone willing to do it is basically begging to get fucked up by yours truly.

Get it straight: If Another Country Ever Started Calling Itself America, I’d Be So Pissed

Plus, all the countries out there already have names! You can call yourself Canada or Russia or whatever you want, but America is off-limits. Don’t even try it. Seriously, why would you even start with that shit? Are you intentionally trying to piss me off? Do you want me to take your ass down? Because me opening up a map one day and seeing the good old U.S. of A., and then looking over and seeing another, entirely different country also labeled America is a recipe for goddamn disaster on your end, I swear to God.

Man, I’m getting so angry just thinking about it.

I mean, where does it end? If you took our name, you’d probably take our flag, too. Just imagine some place in Asia or wherever raising the Stars and Stripes above their capital and saluting it like it’s theirs. Un-fucking-cool. Well, guess what? Don’t get too used to it, because I’d fly right over there and put a stop to that real quick.

Get it straight: There’s only one America, and that’s the United States of America.

Honest to God, if I ever ran into some prime minister or whatever with the balls to pull that crap, the first thing out of my mouth would be, “Hey, buddy, what the fuck do you think you’re doing? My country is called America. You can change your name back or get pounded into the ground. Your choice.” And if he said he wouldn’t change it, I’d drop him right then and there. Then I’d just whale on him until he promised to go back to the old name.

So listen up, Australia, China, France—all of you countries out there. We’re cool right now, but if any of you even so much as thinks about calling yourself America, then just be prepared, because the next thing you’re going to see—the last thing you’re going to see—is my fist coming right at your face.

Think I’m not serious? Just try me

Via Theonion.com

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Stomped Tomato is a curious satirical newspaper offering breaking news, political satire, comedy, investigative journalism, opinion and celebrity news. Tomate pisoteado.

Politics

WHO congratulates Donald Trump for having carried out a coup without leaving home

While a lot of countries and international organizations condemned Wednesday’s riots in the United States Capitol, the Wordly Health Organization congratulated President Donald Trump for acting responsibly in the midst of a historic pandemic, for staging a coup from home.

Given the warnings of health authorities not to go out, Mr Trump decided maintain social distancing and stay at home to try to overturn the 2020 presidential elections.

“We are pleasantly surprised at  responsibility that Donald Trump took need to the stay at home measures by the WHO during the events on Capitol Hill on January 7, 2021,” said the organization in a statement.

In a statement of his own, Donald Trump said that he preferred to stay at home, “where I can see them from the comfort of my home, than to do it out there with who knows who”.

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Politics

Mexico decided they WILL pay for the wall; Canada wants one too

After the events in Washington’s Capitol Hill, Mexico has decided that they WILL pay for the Trump wall, commonly referred to as “the wall”. And Canada wants one too.

For years Mexico has refused to be pressured by U.S. President Donald Trump to “write out a check” for the border wall, stating that it is a wall they don’t want or need. But that came to an end as the events unfolded in real time on Wednesday, January 7, 2021.

Mexico’s President, Andrés Manuel López Obrador (AMLO), said that given this week’s events in the United States and the pledge by president-elect Joe Biden to halt construction of the wall, now is the time to take action before it’s too late.

Asked as to how he intends to pay for the wall, AMLO explained it would most likely be jointly by the government and “private enterprise” and that Mexico would reimburse the United States for the about 30 miles (48 km) that has been built since 2017, with a plan to have the rest built in less than 60 days.

AMLO detailed that Mexican workers from “both sides” of the border would work around the clock on the wall project.

The President also emphasized that the purpose of the wall would change from one to keep Mexicans from crossing over to the U.S., but rather to keep protect Mexico from its neighbour.

Canada’s Prime Minister Justin Trudeau said on Thursday that he would be counting the friendship and cooperation with Mexico over a wide range of political, trade, social, environmental and security interests to get a wall built across the 8,891 kilometers (5,524 miles) terrestrial boundary with the United States.

Trudeau and AMLO are expected to start talks in the coming days.

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Politics

Biden supporter admits to being behind massive voter fraud

The investigation into the 2020 US Elections voter fraud took at turn on Monday when a Biden supporter admitted to being behind the whole thing.

Although his name was not released publicly, for his personal security, authorities explained how the fraud was committed in various states across the United States of America.

“Trump has a good case for not accepting his loss because there actually was massive election fraud. I know this because: It was me!,” read the statement to the press.

The fruadster explained that he went to Ballots-R-Us website and ordered thousands of mail-in ballots that are indistinguishable from the officially registered ballots. “I clicked the checkbox option that adds authentic verified signatures of people who had recently died (it costs extra but well worth the labor),” he said.

“After printing all those ballots and filling the ‘Biden’ box on each one, I snuck into the election center in Pennsylvania with my bag load of Biden ballots, and added them to the pile of ballots marked “not counted yet.

“Just like Trump warned, I did this at four o’clock in the morning because it’s really dark then and the security guards were sleepy. Nobody was the wiser,” continued the explanation.

Fraudster says he had help from pals in Nevada, Arizona, and Georgia, but luckily it wasn’t needed, the North Carolina pal didn’t print enought ballots.

Fraudster added that he now feels much better “now that I’ve come clean”.

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