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Vending Machines Outdo Islamic Terrorists

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VATICAN ENQUIRER – Since 2002, Al-Qaeda has struggled to kill more decadent westerners than vending machines. Some rare years they win but usually they fail. The Lapine’s intrepid reporters managed to sit down with a leading Al-Qaeda member whose name has been removed to hopefully increase this article’s ominous tone.

According to the prominent terrorist leader, one of the most disheartening things about being an implacable enemy of the West, is seeing common items like vending machines manage to outdo you in ‘implacableness’.

“I mean…for years now we have done all we could Allah willing. I remember back in 2008, we were so close to launching a terror attack in Britain, something with real potential, maybe a dozen infidels dead praise Allah. We were so close…but then Ali tells me that bathtubs unaided, have taken twenty-three infidel british lives in the same year. And this was not even a big deal for the bathtubs, it was normal! Sometimes its hard to keep trying after hearing news like that.”

“Thanks to god for the American news though, CNN and Fox especially. They are always talking about us, helping us get the publicity we deserve in the face of our inanimate but relentless rivals that we really can’t compete with. You know, without the western media, I think all of our attacks on the West would be completely pointless.”

Our unnamed Al-Qaeda contact when on to explain that he hoped the new generation of terrorists would be able to combine the relentlessness of bathtubs and vending machines with their slavish media support to create a truly unstoppable engine of made-up statistically insignificant terror.

“I heard that lighting kills 30 American infidels a year, right on their own soil. That is far more than we have managed, despite all of our efforts, in the last ten.”

(Via Thelapine.ca)

Al-Qaeda is rumored to have begun hoarding cash to invest in vending machine and bathtub companies, thinking that perhaps this will be more effective at taking infidel Westerner lives than what they are currently doing.

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People

Daughter finds out her uncle is her dad’s brother

STOMPED TOMATO – A growing trend in the online world are stories of family dynamics changing drastically with uncovered family relationships, such as the daughter who found that her uncle is really her father’s brother.

What will this do to the family dynamic? Reddit

Another commented that he was in a similar situation, but different, not too long along when he found that his aunt is really his mother’s sister.

“The entire family freaked out,” writes M.

Fortunately, there are a few things that could be done to preserve your family’s chemistry and dynamic.

Family dynamics can really be screwed. Take the case of a B and his wife’s family situation. B writes, “Her mom and aunt both married brothers. So my wife’s uncle (now deceased) was actually her uncle twice over. He was her uncle because her mom’s sister married him, and he was her uncle because her dad was his brother. For that matter, her aunt is also her aunt twice over.”

R writes, “I know exactly how the feeling. I just found out that my brother is my baby’s uncle, and my brother’s children are my child’s cousins. Obviously, this is a confusing time for everyone and we are navigating it as best as we can.”

A has an equally challenging situation, she writes: I just found out that my mom is actually the one who gave birth to me, and that my grandmother is actually my mom’s mom and I’m so confused and worried like what this will do I don’t know if I can see them in the same way now…”

This is very serious. This kind of experience can cause long lasting trauma.

One recommendation is to log off the internet, obviously, these people have way too much time on their hands. For those who can’t log off, you can help improve your family dynamic by going on Amazon and order lots of self-help books.

Luckily there are many treatments for this ailment being experimented with.

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Politics

WHO congratulates Donald Trump for having carried out a coup without leaving home

While a lot of countries and international organizations condemned Wednesday’s riots in the United States Capitol, the Wordly Health Organization congratulated President Donald Trump for acting responsibly in the midst of a historic pandemic, for staging a coup from home.

Given the warnings of health authorities not to go out, Mr Trump decided maintain social distancing and stay at home to try to overturn the 2020 presidential elections.

“We are pleasantly surprised at  responsibility that Donald Trump took need to the stay at home measures by the WHO during the events on Capitol Hill on January 7, 2021,” said the organization in a statement.

In a statement of his own, Donald Trump said that he preferred to stay at home, “where I can see them from the comfort of my home, than to do it out there with who knows who”.

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Politics

Mexico decided they WILL pay for the wall; Canada wants one too

After the events in Washington’s Capitol Hill, Mexico has decided that they WILL pay for the Trump wall, commonly referred to as “the wall”. And Canada wants one too.

For years Mexico has refused to be pressured by U.S. President Donald Trump to “write out a check” for the border wall, stating that it is a wall they don’t want or need. But that came to an end as the events unfolded in real time on Wednesday, January 7, 2021.

Mexico’s President, Andrés Manuel López Obrador (AMLO), said that given this week’s events in the United States and the pledge by president-elect Joe Biden to halt construction of the wall, now is the time to take action before it’s too late.

Asked as to how he intends to pay for the wall, AMLO explained it would most likely be jointly by the government and “private enterprise” and that Mexico would reimburse the United States for the about 30 miles (48 km) that has been built since 2017, with a plan to have the rest built in less than 60 days.

AMLO detailed that Mexican workers from “both sides” of the border would work around the clock on the wall project.

The President also emphasized that the purpose of the wall would change from one to keep Mexicans from crossing over to the U.S., but rather to keep protect Mexico from its neighbour.

Canada’s Prime Minister Justin Trudeau said on Thursday that he would be counting the friendship and cooperation with Mexico over a wide range of political, trade, social, environmental and security interests to get a wall built across the 8,891 kilometers (5,524 miles) terrestrial boundary with the United States.

Trudeau and AMLO are expected to start talks in the coming days.

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