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Venezuelan President Abducted By Aliens in Costa Rica


Venezuela’s president Nicolas Maduro avoids terrorist threat

VATICAN ENQUIRER – SAN JOSE, Costa Rica –  While Venezuelan President Nicolas Maduro was successfully able to the avoid the terrorists he said were waiting for him during his visit to Costa Rica, he wasn’t able to escape…aliens.

Maduro, who prior to his visit to the army-less Central American nation for the Community of Latin American and Caribbean States meeting warned that terrorists were waiting there for him, didn’t factor in the possibility of an alien abduction when devising his security strategy, a senior official said Thursday morning. Though Maduro and his staff rented out the entire Marriott in downtown San Jose, his security team was powerless to the mob of extraterrestrial beings that raided his room and transported him to the planet of Krongnad, according to a press statement from the presidential offices.

“What was originally thought to be a kidnap plot carried out by the imperialist Yanquis has now been confirmed to be an alien abduction,’’ according to the e-mailed statement. “President Maduro was returned from Krongnad safe and in good spirits, lacking only his comandante pajamas and mustache, which was removed by an extraterrestrial named Rotybein-Z4.’’

At news of Maduro’s disappearance, tens of thousands of Venezuelans took to the street to celebrate the end of his Bolivarian regime, only to have their hopes of revolution dashed when El Presidente appeared to give a live address from the lobby of the Marriott. Maduro, wearing a yellow Venezuelan baseball hat and a shirt that said I HEART KROGNAD, said the aliens had taken him to see his predecessor Hugo Chavez, and that he was alive and well, hanging out with Genghis Khan, Kim Jong-il, Kriss from the rap group Kriss Kross, Whitney Houston, and Artax, the horse that died in the swamp of sadness in the movie the Never Ending Story.

“Gracias a mis amigos los Alien, vi al nuestro querido Comandante Chavez por la primera vehz en muchoh mehseh,’’ Maduro said, thanking the aliens. “I happy to report he is alive and well, and he says Venezuela is on the right path, despite the absence of basic goods like toilet paper and rampant violence. He advised me to continue with his Bolivarian dream, and I gave him my word that I would.’’


Maduro also said that he signed an agreement to allow Krognad to be a part of the Petrocaribe alliance and that Venezuela will begin exporting crude oil there by the second quarter of this year. He also said he will lobby for Krognad to be able to participate in the Miss Universe pageant next year.

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Stomped Tomato is a curious satirical newspaper offering breaking news, political satire, comedy, investigative journalism, opinion and celebrity news. Tomate pisoteado.


WHO congratulates Donald Trump for having carried out a coup without leaving home

While a lot of countries and international organizations condemned Wednesday’s riots in the United States Capitol, the Wordly Health Organization congratulated President Donald Trump for acting responsibly in the midst of a historic pandemic, for staging a coup from home.

Given the warnings of health authorities not to go out, Mr Trump decided maintain social distancing and stay at home to try to overturn the 2020 presidential elections.

“We are pleasantly surprised at  responsibility that Donald Trump took need to the stay at home measures by the WHO during the events on Capitol Hill on January 7, 2021,” said the organization in a statement.

In a statement of his own, Donald Trump said that he preferred to stay at home, “where I can see them from the comfort of my home, than to do it out there with who knows who”.

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Mexico decided they WILL pay for the wall; Canada wants one too

After the events in Washington’s Capitol Hill, Mexico has decided that they WILL pay for the Trump wall, commonly referred to as “the wall”. And Canada wants one too.

For years Mexico has refused to be pressured by U.S. President Donald Trump to “write out a check” for the border wall, stating that it is a wall they don’t want or need. But that came to an end as the events unfolded in real time on Wednesday, January 7, 2021.

Mexico’s President, Andrés Manuel López Obrador (AMLO), said that given this week’s events in the United States and the pledge by president-elect Joe Biden to halt construction of the wall, now is the time to take action before it’s too late.

Asked as to how he intends to pay for the wall, AMLO explained it would most likely be jointly by the government and “private enterprise” and that Mexico would reimburse the United States for the about 30 miles (48 km) that has been built since 2017, with a plan to have the rest built in less than 60 days.

AMLO detailed that Mexican workers from “both sides” of the border would work around the clock on the wall project.

The President also emphasized that the purpose of the wall would change from one to keep Mexicans from crossing over to the U.S., but rather to keep protect Mexico from its neighbour.

Canada’s Prime Minister Justin Trudeau said on Thursday that he would be counting the friendship and cooperation with Mexico over a wide range of political, trade, social, environmental and security interests to get a wall built across the 8,891 kilometers (5,524 miles) terrestrial boundary with the United States.

Trudeau and AMLO are expected to start talks in the coming days.

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Biden supporter admits to being behind massive voter fraud

The investigation into the 2020 US Elections voter fraud took at turn on Monday when a Biden supporter admitted to being behind the whole thing.

Although his name was not released publicly, for his personal security, authorities explained how the fraud was committed in various states across the United States of America.

“Trump has a good case for not accepting his loss because there actually was massive election fraud. I know this because: It was me!,” read the statement to the press.

The fruadster explained that he went to Ballots-R-Us website and ordered thousands of mail-in ballots that are indistinguishable from the officially registered ballots. “I clicked the checkbox option that adds authentic verified signatures of people who had recently died (it costs extra but well worth the labor),” he said.

“After printing all those ballots and filling the ‘Biden’ box on each one, I snuck into the election center in Pennsylvania with my bag load of Biden ballots, and added them to the pile of ballots marked “not counted yet.

“Just like Trump warned, I did this at four o’clock in the morning because it’s really dark then and the security guards were sleepy. Nobody was the wiser,” continued the explanation.

Fraudster says he had help from pals in Nevada, Arizona, and Georgia, but luckily it wasn’t needed, the North Carolina pal didn’t print enought ballots.

Fraudster added that he now feels much better “now that I’ve come clean”.

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