MOSCOW (The Borowitz Report)—Calling the result “close but no cigar,” Vladimir Putin has conceded defeat in Tuesday night’s special congressional election in Pennsylvania.
Speaking to reporters at the Kremlin, Putin thanked the many Russian campaign workers who tried but failed to propel the Republican candidate, Rick Saccone, into the winner’s circle.
“Our social-media trolls did some of their finest work to put Rick over the top, but, in the final analysis, we were a day late and a ruble short,” the Russian President said.
Putin had high praise for the Democratic candidate, Conor Lamb, who, he said, “managed to win in a district that I easily delivered to Donald Trump in 2016.”
But he belittled the attempts of Republican officials like the House Speaker, Paul Ryan, to sugarcoat the Pennsylvania defeat.
“Last night should be a wake-up call for Republicans everywhere,” Putin warned. “The midterms are less than eight months away. Let’s get to work.”