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World Waits Tensely On Mitt Romney

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VATICAN ENQUIRER, PARIS (TheLapine.ca) Politicians and supporters of the French satirical newspaper Charlie Hebdo said today that they are amazed by all the support from around the world but cannot truly move forward until U.S. presidential candidate Mitt Romney weighs in.

“Americans are just coming to appreciate the brilliant, straight-faced satire of Mitt Romney,” said a spokesperson for Charlie Hebdo speaking to media from temporary offices.

“And right now, France and the world desperately need to hear what Mr. Romney has to say so that we know what not to do next.”

“We are satirists and we will recognize the truth hidden way, way behind his words.”

“We did not for a second, for example, take seriously his hundreds of claims that he would absolutely not run for President again for the third time. We just stood back and admired his satire from afar.”

“Beyond being a foreign affairs expert…good one…Mr. Romney has winked and run twice for American President. He has successfully pretended to support health care for everyone, fair taxes on the wealthy 1%, decreased military spending, and same-sex marriage even between men.”

“His secretly-recorded 2012 speech saying 47% of Americans are lazy and only vote Democrat because they get free stuff was priceless satire.”

“And loudly opposing off-shore tax havens…now that raised the bar for all of us.”

Romney has so far made no public comments on the attacks in Paris but in the hours following the shootings and hostage takings reportedly and in true satire form asked his election team to “find out why those Muslim types would kill this guy Charlie Hebdo.”

“Four million copies of this new edition sold…a million plus people marching for free speech here in Paris…all very, very wonderful,” said the Charlie Hebdo spokesperson.

“But we need Mitt Romney to say how he sees things.”

“Then we will know what not to do.”

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Stomped Tomato is a curious satirical newspaper offering breaking news, political satire, comedy, investigative journalism, opinion and celebrity news. Tomate pisoteado.

Politics

WHO congratulates Donald Trump for having carried out a coup without leaving home

While a lot of countries and international organizations condemned Wednesday’s riots in the United States Capitol, the Wordly Health Organization congratulated President Donald Trump for acting responsibly in the midst of a historic pandemic, for staging a coup from home.

Given the warnings of health authorities not to go out, Mr Trump decided maintain social distancing and stay at home to try to overturn the 2020 presidential elections.

“We are pleasantly surprised at  responsibility that Donald Trump took need to the stay at home measures by the WHO during the events on Capitol Hill on January 7, 2021,” said the organization in a statement.

In a statement of his own, Donald Trump said that he preferred to stay at home, “where I can see them from the comfort of my home, than to do it out there with who knows who”.

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Politics

Mexico decided they WILL pay for the wall; Canada wants one too

After the events in Washington’s Capitol Hill, Mexico has decided that they WILL pay for the Trump wall, commonly referred to as “the wall”. And Canada wants one too.

For years Mexico has refused to be pressured by U.S. President Donald Trump to “write out a check” for the border wall, stating that it is a wall they don’t want or need. But that came to an end as the events unfolded in real time on Wednesday, January 7, 2021.

Mexico’s President, Andrés Manuel López Obrador (AMLO), said that given this week’s events in the United States and the pledge by president-elect Joe Biden to halt construction of the wall, now is the time to take action before it’s too late.

Asked as to how he intends to pay for the wall, AMLO explained it would most likely be jointly by the government and “private enterprise” and that Mexico would reimburse the United States for the about 30 miles (48 km) that has been built since 2017, with a plan to have the rest built in less than 60 days.

AMLO detailed that Mexican workers from “both sides” of the border would work around the clock on the wall project.

The President also emphasized that the purpose of the wall would change from one to keep Mexicans from crossing over to the U.S., but rather to keep protect Mexico from its neighbour.

Canada’s Prime Minister Justin Trudeau said on Thursday that he would be counting the friendship and cooperation with Mexico over a wide range of political, trade, social, environmental and security interests to get a wall built across the 8,891 kilometers (5,524 miles) terrestrial boundary with the United States.

Trudeau and AMLO are expected to start talks in the coming days.

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Politics

Biden supporter admits to being behind massive voter fraud

The investigation into the 2020 US Elections voter fraud took at turn on Monday when a Biden supporter admitted to being behind the whole thing.

Although his name was not released publicly, for his personal security, authorities explained how the fraud was committed in various states across the United States of America.

“Trump has a good case for not accepting his loss because there actually was massive election fraud. I know this because: It was me!,” read the statement to the press.

The fruadster explained that he went to Ballots-R-Us website and ordered thousands of mail-in ballots that are indistinguishable from the officially registered ballots. “I clicked the checkbox option that adds authentic verified signatures of people who had recently died (it costs extra but well worth the labor),” he said.

“After printing all those ballots and filling the ‘Biden’ box on each one, I snuck into the election center in Pennsylvania with my bag load of Biden ballots, and added them to the pile of ballots marked “not counted yet.

“Just like Trump warned, I did this at four o’clock in the morning because it’s really dark then and the security guards were sleepy. Nobody was the wiser,” continued the explanation.

Fraudster says he had help from pals in Nevada, Arizona, and Georgia, but luckily it wasn’t needed, the North Carolina pal didn’t print enought ballots.

Fraudster added that he now feels much better “now that I’ve come clean”.

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